Man Asks Court to Marry His Porn-Filled Computer

Chris Sevier is trying to upend federal same-sex marriage cases by filing motions to wed his Apple laptop

Lawyer-turned-professional-troll Chris Sevier has asked the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals to let him marry his porn-filled computer. On Friday, he submitted a 50-page motion with the court to intervene in the ongoing federal appeal over Utah’s same-sex marriage ban—suggesting that the love he has for his laptop is no different than the bond between gay couples.

“[They] discriminated against me when they reject [sic] my request to marry my computer,” Sevier writes in the motion. “I approached the Utah clerk to have a marriage license issued for me and my machine-spouse. The clerk denied my request for a marriage license in the same manner and for the exact same reasons—my object of affection was outside the scope of the narrow definition.”

It’s not the first time Sevier has attempted to use the courts to make his point. In March, the American Civil Liberties Union of Florida filed a lawsuit on behalf of eight gay married couples challenging the Sunshine State’s refusal to recognize the legitimacy of same-sex ceremonies conducted in other U.S. states. In response, Sevier submitted a 24-page motion to intervene, which stated that if gay couples “have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object…my porn filled Apple computer.”

Mr. Sevier's pretty wife

Either way, the court threw out the first motion. ”Chris Sevier has moved to intervene, apparently asserting he wishes to marry his computer,” wrote Judge Robert Hinkle in his ruling. “Perhaps the motion is satirical. Or perhaps it is only removed from reality. Either way, the motion has no place in this lawsuit.”

And I ask why not?!? He is right.